A Call to the Wild
How did we get so good at hiding our wild? The question pops into my head now and again as I quietly calm my inner rebel, my inner wild that wants to take over at the weekly staff meeting in my nine to five job. Have you ever wanted to stand up in a quiet, crowded room and scream at the top of your lungs? Chances are you might also be wild like me. If this is true, there’s an even greater chance that you have been suppressing this part of yourself for longer than you know. We exist in the person quietly sitting at the corporate table, the parent humming a song and packing lunches, or the teacher obediently reciting the ABC’s to their Kindergarten class. We exist in these hidden places, but we are not alone.
I’m not sure when I learned to push down my inner wild woman. I do remember when she began calling me back into this version of myself: Only wishing to be seen in the darkness. Revealing herself, consciously, by not so quietly taking up space in my mind. I was happy to hear her voice, but confused at the force with which she was asking to be present. Fear ran through me, but what was I afraid of? It seemed silly, but so important at the same time. I realized that the voices we suppress, when they reemerge, have a tendency to show up like loud voices in a quiet room. Deprived of breath, resuscitated only by chance and remembering. A desperate gasp for air, like the lungs after a deep dive, down into the ocean. My own wild woman, deprived of air for so long, was fighting her way back to me and I was thankful and scared. Slowly, as I began to integrate this long lost part of myself, the truth began to emerge.
Anger. Who taught me to suppress this part of myself? What world do we live in where we are taught to do this? Why do we do this - for protection? The world we live in feels like a place where the inner wild has been forced down, not welcomed. Cast out from society, in many ways. For fear, I guess, of the power that a million wild selves embodied would yield. I was really good at hiding her, for a long moment, but she would always find a way. If you look around, I’m sure you will notice too. When I reflected back, I began to see her in different places. In a time when I was coming into my own, she would reveal herself in any way possible. After a drink, a reckless night out on the town. Anytime just enough space was created by substance and inner turmoil. A perfect combination that allowed me to become disembodied long enough for her to take over, run wild all over town. It was so bad, but it felt so good. Like a dip into the ocean with no clothes on a warm summer night.
Sadness. How many wild selves are out there fighting to be seen like this, screaming? I look around our society and notice that this type of lifestyle is glorified, but all I can see is her finding space anywhere she can. Powerful desperation. A fading light. Wild woman finding her way in a world that has denied her valid entry.
Amazement. I look around and am inspired that wild still finds a way. I take a breath and honor those who have kept the flame burning. For all those who have come before that had no other way.
Hope. I reflect and imagine a world where wild is okay. Where the flame burns bright. Where she doesn't have to scream in a crowded room to be heard. Florence and the Machine moves through my headphones as these words find the page and the feelings rise. “Sometimes I wonder if I should be medicated. If I would feel better just slightly sedated. A feeling comes so fast and I cannot control it. I’m on fire, but I’m trying not to show it.” I move the feelings through my body and find my power. This must be what they were so afraid of, but this, this doesn’t feel scary anymore. This feels like a million wild women holding me up in support. As I bring her, my inner wild woman, out of the darkness, into the light, she reveals herself and she is beautiful.
I hope you find your inner wild voice in any way that feels right to you. May your wild flame burn as bright as you need. May all the exiled parts of ourselves that call to us burn a little brighter as we travel between the dark and the light… one breath at a time.
