Beautiful Thresholds
What does it mean to be beautiful?
Today, I sit by the river as I write and reflect on this question that I have been avoiding for so long. I don’t usually shy away from questions of depth, but this one has been eluding me for a while now and I know I am not alone. I am reminded of this camaraderie of deflecting and the shame moves through my body like the river before me.
As I sit by the babbling river, amongst the cover of a little bridge, the wind swooshes by and it is here in this space that my own thoughts begin to swoosh and babble. At this moment, I strike up the courage, amongst friends, to ask myself this elusive question again.
What makes me beautiful?
When someone asked me this question recently my initial response was a candid, “Does anyone ever really like themselves that much?” I wasn’t sure I had seen many examples of this kind of imagined beauty in our society. It is easy, I concluded, to get lost. Lost inside of what someone else’s idea of beauty is. We think of beauty as something bigger than ourselves. Godzilla, in a way, let out, ravaging and pillaging entire psyches until there is little left to grasp onto. Beautiful, in this sense, is a word that holds so much weight. It was then that I realized that maybe beauty was not meant to be defined. With this invitation, I began to imagine what beauty felt like for myself instead.
What does beauty feel like in my body?
When I really began to imagine, feel into this idea for myself, I realized that true beauty is rarely seen in extremes - The most beautiful or the most ugly. To me, true beauty exists in moments that are not so far away. In the moments in between. In the slow down. In the moments after, when we are able to take a deep breath. It was then that I realized that beauty isn’t actually felt in the happenings, the moments that take our breath away, it is felt in the moments when we are able to step back and enjoy what was created. When we are able to integrate the merging of our unique spark with the sparkle of something or someone else.
Everything is alive and every living thing has a propensity to keep moving, but in these moments of stillness, in the after, there is an opportunity to feel the embrace of true beauty. I am sure this feels different for all of us. I am also sure that each time I find myself here at this threshold, the embrace of beauty, may feel different.
It was then, amongst the safety and cover of the bridge, that I realized that my true beauty is something that can’t necessarily be pinned down or defined. It is forever moving and changing as the world moves and changes. Alive, electric, charged with the pulse of all there is. A set of moments, anchored together by the spark of everything and nothing and a dash of something else.
How lucky are we that we get to experience this ever changing beautiful life and all that it has to offer? The invitation, always there, waiting for us to give permission to let it in, to feel - to slow down long enough to let true beauty seep into every cell of our being.
It was then that I realized, beauty is not something to be chased, it always is. We just have to slow down to witness it, feel it within ourselves.
One of the greatest tragedies in our world today is knowing what beauty is, but not being able to find it within ourselves. Maybe we were never meant to define beauty. Maybe we were always meant to learn how to find it.
Amongst the swooshes, I reminded myself that my path to feeling, in general, has not always been an easy thing. As I sit with this reimagining of all things beautiful, even with this new clarity, I am reminded that the true feeling of beauty has eluded me for so long. I sit with the movement of the river and choose to give myself grace for all of the times when I could not find any semblance of beauty within my own being or without.
I give grace to the part of me that caged herself in with words or thoughts. A tiny girl trapped by who she thought she should be or what she should do in order to be viewed as beautiful by everyone on the outside.
I give grace to the part of me that chose to hide herself away. That chose safety and retreat rather than being seen by the world for fear of judgment or harm.
I give grace to the part of me that shut down. That decided it was more okay to not feel anything than to feel the weight of the world’s beautiful expectations.
From where I am sitting, you are all so much more beautiful than you know, truly. If there is ever a moment when you catch yourself fully embraced in the beauty of life, don’t forget to stop the thoughts momentarily, slow down, and breathe yourself in. Let one breath come and the next so you know what it feels like to be and to begin again. Let the breath lead you to the current of this beautiful life.
Today, may we all find the courage to be able to slow down long enough to notice our own little spark, to feel our own kind of beautiful. May we all give each other grace as we travel in this space together…one breath at a time.
